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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Never Mind...

The choice is yours !!!

When I got up late in the night,I was profusely sweating.Mind numb,senses gone for a toss,my throat parched,my eyes still holding the spectre of the last visage of my dream,my head being ripped apart from the acute pain.But!!! who did this to me? and why?

At the crossroads of a life transcending experince,I felt that I had a choice.The arrows towards my choices weren`t bearing any destination per se,but were glowing with the impeding radiance aka the implications of trudging along the said path.Often!I took the wrong turn.Often my mind skewed towards the wrong curve bend of thoughts.The constant ropepulling tug of war between the mind and the body who were pitching their regulations whould land me in a soup.

The free mind which is free from any clutter of choices,being a newfangled dictator,it shrouded my good sense of objectivism.The white & purely virgin plane that hasn`t been marred by the spoils of bad choices,is so much more divine than a mortal state.

We all learn!We all unlearn!!But I forgot to unlearn and hence to learn.With the safe leaving of knowledge,the space for taking decisions was often overparked with the ships that carried and ferried the imposing thoughts of others.The white line of the seperation often found me on the wrong side of things.

In hindsight,I often have fumbled on the eve of the most life changing choices.Being unaware of your follies,being able to connivingly hide your misgivings and gaffes & or being naiive enough not to know what a deal has in store for you is normal.Its like a ladder.Only once you go on climbing further,you realise how unbalanced your climb is.No one is enlightened enough to strengthen their base before they monkey the rungs.The curves of the brain zigsaw are devilish.They transform themselves as one goes along.I no longer enjoy throwing stones at the electricity poles,neither I get any succour from the con that I played on others.The choice of leaving & new inducing pleasure points of life has been a reflexive action.I never by choice left to read my childhood comic books and pick up the literary frescos.It happened!!

Luxury of not being the bearer of the flag when a running track changes in the end demonifies to a peace devouring monster.Being the monster of your own choices is the best throne one can vie for.The weather,the health are all fleeting & out of your field of control.The best choices are made when the occassional hiccup doesn`t derail your progress.The need or better term 'the essence' of being a high energy horse also entails dissipating of numerous storms of the teacups.

The projection of your thoughts on the flimsy curtain of present time would reveal to you how it has been contaminated by the baggage of the past and the throes of an uncertain future.The mind when put on the anvil of choice fears the hammer.If the pain is accepted,the fear obliterated,the shaping would be perfect and the forging immaculate.

The choice which is always with us to entertain is wrested from our control by a combined force that`s being marshalled by the examples that have been set and we have been constantly grawled upon by the paper tigers who fear our inner fire,lest if we discover it,they `ll be cindered in good`ol history.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Wondering When The Wistful Wishes Will Woosh!....

Maybe! Just Maybe!!

Your wish!!Saying this I accede to her demands.I am a slave.I thought I wasnt!But the clamps lost their keys on me ever since I first saw my own reflection in her reddish brown retinas.What`s been going on isn`t what you wish for.

Time isn`t a dimension anymore.Its no more a mirage,its marriage of all your deeds with all your wishes.I searched for it!For her!For the fleeting moistness in the eyes,for that glint!,for that cherry picked cheeks that bloom everytime her lips part in a smile.Maybe I`ve found what I was looking for.I can`t be sure though.Not till I wake up from this reverie.

Lets look at the situation with a bird`s eye view.I am a fool.And a smart one at that too.Looking for the vital signs.I meandered ,I philadered.To throw some sand in the gears,I paused.Never pushed the diving board down.Maybe I was confused.More silly than what others thought.More sadist than what others believed.Less lucky than what others surmised.Cocky as I was,I was served well.My better half was not even halfway through the carpet when I gave upon the pedestal.Being impatient was always a blunder,being patient a crime.I chose the blunder.My Wish!Granted!!

Look at my back!All hunched and nicely boned,but turns out to be a cropper when I am faced with change.Hope is not a worthy companion.Luck is someone who is either after you or before you,in a race with you but never with you.The binary language of "IFs" and "BUTs" burden your tounge & psyche.I dream!Always!!...........but in vain.

The saccharin that is success eventually takes you out by having you diabetic.The quinine that is defeat lures you,all veiled up in the splendence of the impossible.I rest on my laurels.All the while!! my chagrin.

The dirt around me blinds me.I become a sopper for others dirt.The valium of my filter slowly looses its sheen as I go on mellifluosly playing and paying dirt.The green planet never was green.No good being inert.Take sides.Be polarised!!I`ve realised this maxim.Alas!!...........too late.

Decision to bind me was mine,to hold me back was of my mind`s creation.To keep the glitterati at bay,the call came from the pumping lump of blood veined in my left chest cleft.This is my progeny.The state is created with my consent.Frankensteined!!,I stand reading hymnes/verses from the bible as the monster was being earthed.I am the dead in the coffin,I am the undertaker,I was the murderer and I am also the one who shed crocodile tears on my back.Tears well up in my eye sockets!All for myself!! selfish.

The backburner now being burned to cinders,the depenndence now facing a no-trust vote,the meandering mind tethered firmly to my realities,I veer away.To warm the cockles,I will tread on the path that I see light coming from!........just in time.

Once again my beloved calls me! From the deep forest of chestnut trees,so dense that she is all but invisible.I believe in her,the voice yearning for the resonance tone,I cry out!!!

This time though with my waking eyes.....And thank god for that.

Random Musings...